I have always felt torn in regards to my religion. My mother raised me and my sisters Southern Baptist. My father and his side of the family is Catholic. I was exposed to both in my childhood but mostly went to church with my Mom. I can remember, even as a small child, never feeling comfortable at my mom's church. It wasn't until my teenage years that I started expressing this to her. She always FORCED us to go to Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night services. I understand why she did it. It's important to have God and church in your life, but that was not the reason I didn't want to go. Religion has always been a topic that my mother and I just really can't discuss. We agree to disagree and avoid the subject. She takes my feeling towards her church and their beliefs personally. I could never really explain it well to her. I could never find the appropriate words to make her understand.
I have always felt drawn to the Catholic church. I can't explain it even to this day. My father never took us to Mass so it's not like I really had anything to compare between the two religions. One of my first memories as a child was at my great grandmothers house. She was a devout Catholic. She had a crucifix in her kitchen with a rosary hanging from it. I always thought the rosary was so beautiful. I didn't know what it was or why it was there, it just always caught my attention. I would catch my Nanny looking at it while she was in the kitchen and she would form the cross on herself, as Catholic's do, and kiss her finger and place it on his feet. I didn't know at the time that she was praying but it gave me this peaceful, calm feeling every time I saw her do this. That was my first experience with the Catholic faith. Something so simple and beautiful.
It wasn't until I met Patrick that I had started seeing the Catholic faith practiced. There were prayers that they recited and traditions they practiced. I started having lots of questions trying to understand. We had gone to a couple Mass's and I really enjoyed the structure. I really felt like this is where I was supposed to be. We discussed Marriage and children and we agreed that the Catholic church was where we wanted to be and what we wanted to raise our children with. I had originally wanted to convert before we were married, but I don't think I was really ready at the time. It's a long process and a commitment. I knew this was where I wanted to be, but honestly, I got a lot of grief about it and couldn't give a real reason why. I felt that if I couldn't explain to people why I wanted to be Catholic they would see it as I was converting because it was my husbands religion. It was important to me that I convert to Catholicism, not for the church to "accept" me but for myself and I wanted to be able to tell everyone why I had done it. I needed to take the time and really dig deep and find out why I felt drawn to the church.
It wasn't until I started speaking with some of my aunts that I found a big piece to my puzzle. I was born with a hernia and had to have surgery when I was a month old. Catholic's baptize their babies. My mother was very upfront with my dad's family that I would be raised Baptist and refused to have me baptized. This really weighed on my great grandmother. The day of my surgery they only allowed 3 people in the room with me at a time. Everyone wanted to see me before I went back to surgery and so when it was my great grandmother, aunt Lia, and aunt Jerri's turn my Nanny decided she was going to baptize me herself without my parent's knowledge. I never knew any of this. My aunt Jerri told me the story and I had expressed about how I had always felt drawn to the church but never could explain it. She simply said "that's because it's in your blood, it's always been with you".
I felt like this was God telling me "see it's time". I didn't have all the answer's I was looking for but I knew it was time to start the process. I looked into the RCIA program and read up on as much information as I could find. A friend of mine had gone through the process a couple years ago so I called to talk to her about it. I contacted the church and got enrolled. It wasn't until I went to a couple classes that I KNEW this was where I was supposed to be. Everything I had felt as a child about my beliefs was confirmed in the Catholic faith. I had never been to anything in my mother's church that made me feel like this. My mom always made me feel "wrong" for believing what I did.
I now have the answers and confirmation I was looking for. I have gone through the process and will take Communion during the Holy Saturday Mass on April 3rd. I no longer feel the need to explain myself or defend why I converted. It was a personal choice that was between me and God. If you were to ask me, I could now give you valid reason's for my decision. Nothing of which, have to do with my husband or his family.
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