I woke up thinking of you.

It's funny the things that remind me of you.
A weeping willow. It's a little ironic to me. I can remember being a child and thinking they only grew in hot springs.
Pomeranians. You hated that little dog, but none the less i think of you every time i see one.
Dominos. I can still remember the day you taught me and Allison how to play.
The smell of leaves burning in the fall.

I wish you were here. I wish you could have kept everything together. It's not fair. My daddy needs you. I often wonder how things would have been different. I hurt for our family, but mainly for my dad. He must feel so alone. You would have never let him go as long as he has without his family. I think my father would be a different person if you were still here. He would see that family is everything.

I think I've done a good job, from learning from my parents mistakes. You would be proud of me. But lately I've seen how their decisions have formed me into something I don't like. I am strong. I had to be, but doing so built up so many walls. For so long I have had to hold them up. Keep everything together, but for what? It seems for nothing. Why is this so important to me but not for others? How can they not see what is their blood? How can anything else be more important. I feel so hurt. Betrayed. All the effort I've put into this since I was 9 years old, being that rock for everyone, was all for nothing. I was forced to grow up way too fast. I've been okay with this up until now. How can he tell me one thing and do another. Actions speak louder than words. How can they ask me to grow up so fast and give up everything and be so selfish? I wish his words had truth behind them. Don't tell me what I want to hear. Tell me how it is. I want to believe the things he says, but I don't know anymore. I'm tired of being the rock and the glue that holds things together. Especially when nobody else is willing to help me. I can't make them want to be a family.

I miss you.